A Letter to My Body

Dear Body,

Some people write a letter to their body in order to express their love for it, and all of it’s parts.  It’s a form of self-affirmation, and it’s really a great thing to remind yourself what you love about yourself instead of focusing on the negative.  Building up instead of tearing down.

This isn’t one of those letters.

See, we’ve had a hard week.  As you know, we started a new fitness program that is really intense and it’s time for a little recap to see how well we did.

Brain – You were GREAT!  You stayed in the “zone” all week long, never faltering, never even once reaching for just one of those chocolate mint sandwich cookies stashed in our desk drawer at work.  You got us up every morning and talked us through each workout, encouraging us when we needed it and browbeating us when we needed that more.

That said, there are a couple of your parts that need a little talking to.

Body Clock – I would really like to know why you insist on waking us up at least an hour before the alarm goes off.  It doesn’t even matter what time it’s going to go off, you are consistently an hour early.  Have you noticed what time that is when you wake us up on our new schedule?  It’s 3:45 in the freaking morning!  Knock that shit off!

Thermostat – There is no other way to say this, you’re just backasswards.  Two minutes into a workout and you’re already so hot the poor face looks like a tomato.  It’s 50 degrees in the garage where we’re working out!  Why do you have to heat up so damn fast?  People think we’re going to have a stroke for fuck’s sake!  And then after the workout?  Two minutes and we’re shivering to the point we have to huddle under a blanket.  What the hell is that?  We’re not even going to talk about that middle of the night thing you’re doing, all I can say is that I now understand spontaneous combustion.  Get your shit together, man!

Arms – I love you.  You are so strong you barely even broke a sweat this week, let alone got sore.  You are such a pro at the weight lifting that we’re going to have to kick it up a notch this week with some heavier weights and probably the kettlebells.  I know, they’re not on the plan we’re following, but sometimes you have to think outside the box to get things. done.  Good job and keep up the good work!

Boobs – Well, what can I say about you?  You just kind of hang around.  Good job not poking us in the eye when Billy made us do those jumping jacks.  If you could keep that up, that would be awesome.

Belly – Oh how I love to hate you.  There is just so much of you.  But you did really well this week.  You rocked out those sit-ups like nobody’s business and you could have rocked out many more.  Don’t worry – you will get your chance.  I do want to take this moment to personally thank you for not doing that stabbing with a hot poker thing you usually do when I get hungry, or you get cranky for whatever reason.  I stopped drinking diet coke, through great personal hardship, just for you and you paid me back with interest.  So thanks for that, it was actually really awesome.

Butt – You, my great badonkadonk, did pretty good.  You got a little cranky with the aerobics and the elliptical, but mostly you did ok.  We’re going to see about challenging you a little more so that you look nice in a pair of jeans, so maybe next week might not be so easy.   Prepare for shrinkage!

Legs – There’s always someone, isn’t there?  The one bad apple that spoils the whole bunch.  What a bunch of pansy-ass whiny beyotches you are!  Jesus C. Frog you can set up a bitch session like no one else. “No, stop, please…we can’t take anymore…someone really should be doing this for me…please, just take a break, ow ow ow, it hurts too much.” Pathetic.  Don’t you want to look pretty? Don’t you want to get rid of your cellulite blanket?  I can assure you it’s only going to get worse from here so you better just quit yer bitchin and get with the program.

Feet – I saved the best for last.  You and I have certainly had our differences over the past few years.  You’ve been through surgeries and therapies and you’re still not right, but you sure put on your big girl panties and sucked it up this week.  You didn’t give me much grief at all, and you flew through things I thought were going to be hurdles for you, so you get the prize for being the biggest team player this week.  You deserve a pretty princess pedicure!

Tomorrow we get a rest day!  We deserve it after a hard first week.  Use it wisely because Monday morning we’re going to be right back at it, only harder and faster than before. 

Go Team!