Trashy

I came home from work the other day to find hubs alternately fuming and scratching his head in confusion.

“Just check the answering machine.”

This is Waste Management.  Our records show that your service does not include the type of can you are using and you need to call us at 1-800-DOU-CHEY to change your level of service.  Our service technician took the amount of garbage you are paying for and left the rest.

What?

According to hubs, what he really did is root through my trash, take a couple of bags and leave the rest.  Which leaves me with this look on my face kind of like this ?????????? and also WTFuuuuuuuucckkkkkkkahhhhhhh???

Were I a garbage collector who was pissed that I didn’t get a tip at Christmas, (because let’s face it, we’ve had this same can and this same level of service for FOUR years – it’s not news) I wouldn’t take the time to get out of my truck, paw through a can full of garbage, take what I want, and leave the rest.  I’d write a note and stick it on the can to call customer service for an upgrade, and either pick it up this time or not at all.  This?  Was just weird.

We bought our house from my father-in-law.  When we transferred the utilities into our name we just kept the same level of things and didn’t pay much attention to it.  We bought our own large, green can because the ones he had were at the end of their lives and we’re weird about having garbage cans whose bottoms are falling out.  It has been exactly the same for four years.  The garbage man even stuck a Waste Management sticker on the can two years ago about the direction it needs to point on the curb.  Suddenly we have a pissed off conscientious garbage collector with an axe to grind a list and he’s checking it twice?

That’s fine.  I don’t mind paying for the service I’m getting, I just had no idea that I wasn’t for the last four years.

So I called the customer service at the Waste Management and I talked to the lady about the level of service we currently have versus the level of service we need to order so that we can make the garbage go away.  Because really?  I just want the garbage to go away.  She told me that I was currently paying $11.49 a month for one 32-gallon can.  We have a something-something gallon can that is clearly larger than 32 gallons.  She rattled off this list of prices and sizes and somewhere I stopped listening because who knew there were so many options for trash?

Eventually she told me I can pay $20 a month for a 96-gallon can that they will provide, because my can is not approved and is a safety risk.  After four years of them taking it with no safety issues whatsoever.  Apparently.

But then!

She also told me that with the 96-gallon service I can also put out an additional SEVEN 32-gallon cans!

Oh reaaaalllllyyyy??

So I clarified with her what, exactly, I can put in these cans.  Yard waste?  Yep.  Does it have to be bagged?  Nope.  And it only costs me $9 more a month?

Oh it is so on like Donkey Kong!

That garbage man who got his panties all wadded up over taking my can that was smaller than the 96-gallon can that’s going to be delivered because hubs forgot to put his tip out at Christmas?  Can fuck right off when I line up Big Greenie and the seven dwarfs.  Every.  Single.  Week.

Because here’s the thing: I have a chain saw.  And a cutting torch.  And many, many sledge hammers (don’t ask).  I can make anything fit in a 32-gallon trash can.  I can cut up an entire house and fit it in 32-gallon trash cans because I am just that much of a bitch and it’s been a really bad week.

I have 65-ish trees on my property.  One died and we had to cut it down and instead of paying $30 to haul it to the dump I am going to cut that fucker up with a chain saw and load up 32-gallon trash cans.  I don’t even care that I have to buy more cans so that I have seven of them.

Principle, people.  It’s about principle.  Don’t rummage through my trash and just take a couple of bags because that’s just creepy.  Don’t be passive-aggressive .  Leave a note.  Send me a notice.  Call me in advance and say something like “We reviewed your account, and it’s not right.  We took it this time but it’s the last time until you change your service.”  I respect that.  Be professional, not a dumpster diver.

Anyone have any trash they want to get rid of?  I know a guy.