So…
Do you ever feel like you’re blown up like a hugantious ballon because you’ve been keeping things inside for so long that surely any second now you’re going to pop and pieces of you will splatter all over other people’s lives?
I don’t like to splatter all over other peole so I keep it to myself. Because I should be able to handle my own shit all by myself, right?
But turning inward means that I shut everyone else out. If I do share problems it’s because I already have a solution planned out. I don’t know when I decided that I had to take care of everything all by myself, but can I tell you something? Just between us?
I’m tired of it.
I am tired of worrying about finances.
I am tired of being the one who decides what needs to be done.
I am tired of being stuck on the fence about the fat wars.
I am tired of being patient and letting things roll off of me.
I am tired of being stuck in the middle.
I am tired of feeling stuck, or worse, that I am sinking.
I am tired of juggling.
I am tired of making an effort in places where that effort is not returned.
I am tired of being the light among the dark.
I am tired.
There are some things I just can’t do anymore, and I’m wondering where I will draw the line. Because the end of the line of my tolerance is surely coming, and it’s not going to be pretty.
I am not a religious person. I have never prayed for real in my entire life, I’m not even sure I know how. But right now? I really need the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to stop beating my head against the wall and know the difference.
OK… time for an intervention of sorts.
Sit down with your favorite beverage and a piece of “brainstorm” paper… look at your list. What on that list do you have any power over. Think it over… think about what can be done and what is out of your control.
Look at those… rewrite the list omitting those you can’t fix… let those go… wave goodbye.
now look at the new list… start a plan… just the first step… the small first step in a lifelong journey.
Breath… relax… start over… every single day… start over.
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floating princess Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:51 pm
@Tori Blaine, I think that’s exactly what I need to do. The hard part is actually letting go of those things I can’t change. They eat at me.
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October 13th, 2009 at 10:56 am
I think Tori makes an excellent point.
We all feel like this sometimes (or at least I know I do), which is not meant to belittle your feelings – but to let you know that you’re absolutely not alone.
And I’m with you, I’m not overly religious- but that Serenity Prayer has really helped me sometimes…
*BIG HUG*
.-= Princess of the Universe´s last blog ..You Are SO Lime Green Jello of Me =-.
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floating princess Reply:
October 13th, 2009 at 8:55 pm
@Princess of the Universe, I think Tori is right too. Thanks for the hugs and the encouragement!
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October 13th, 2009 at 12:59 pm
If I say that I agree with Tori too, will that be one too many people agreeing with Tori?
The only way I can ever come out of these times are lists and plans and stuff like that. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed and frustrated…we all do.
.-= Hilly´s last blog ..How I Wonder What You Are… =-.
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floating princess Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 9:09 pm
@Hilly, It’s a good plan! I feel better with a plan of attack, so I’m going to sit down and create one.
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October 14th, 2009 at 5:11 am
All I can say is yes, I feel that way all the time of late. Like I’m about to explode. It’s not a fun feeling.
PS: look forward to meeting you and hanging out.
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floating princess Reply:
October 14th, 2009 at 9:10 pm
@Karl, I’m looking forward to it too!
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October 14th, 2009 at 7:58 am