Grocery Store Assvice

I did my grocery shopping today, which is usually zen time for me because it just makes me all happy inside.  Today it was kind of assed up by outside forces so I have a few nuggets of assvice for the various douchebutckets I ran into today.

21 Year Old Mom with the Screamer -  Yeah, it’s not cute.  No one around you thinks it’s cute.  We can hear your spawn all the way across the store and every single one of us wants you to make it stop.  Right now.  Laughing about it only makes us want to strangle you too.

Old People In the Bag-it-Yourself Line – You have something I consider awesome and enviable – unlimited free time.  I understand that you move a little slower with the bagging and that’s ok.   I just want to observe that maybe Sunday afternoon isn’t the best time to go to the busiest store in town.  You have the luxury of being able to go when most of the people there today are at work, and maybe that would be more relaxing for you and for those of us in line behind you.

Inspector Measuring Red Curbs for Future Painting – I get that working on a Sunday is earning you overtime, double-time in fact.  In these economic times that’s golden.  I respect that.  However, you are in the busiest parking lot in town today and not everyone is paying as much attention with the driving in the parking lot as maybe they should.  Remember the Mom with the Screamer?  Yeah, she has two more just like him, I saw them, and I’m guessing that once she packs them all into her minivan her attention isn’t completely on the task at hand.  I’m just thinking that being splattered all over the parking lot isn’t really worth all that extra cash.  I’m just sayin’.

Lady Smoking Outside of Trader Joe’s – Have you seen the parking lot here?  There are proportionately more fuel-efficient and hybrid cars here than anywhere else in town, with the possible exception of Whole Foods.  I’m guessing that smoking right outside of the store is pissing most everyone who has to walk through your cloud right off.  If I were you I would move because some of those folks will cut a bitch for polluting their environment.  Just a little piece of helpful assvice.

The Checker Who is Retiring Today from the Store by My House – You rock.  You rock the disco and I’m so happy for you!