I have been trying to make a decision for the past few months and I just can’t wrap my mind around it. I debated talking about it here because let’s face it, this is kind of personal. But in the end I decided that I’m not going to change my blogging style because it might make some people uncomfortable.
It’s no secret, either here or in person, that I’ve regained a lot of the weight I lost over the last 3 years. It bothers me, but not as much as maybe it should because it makes me think. It makes me wonder if maybe, just maybe, this is how I’m supposed to be. Why would it be so easy to get back into this condition and so hard to get out of it if it wasn’t maybe just the way I am made.
Can I tell you how tired I am of this war? I have lost enough weight in my lifetime to make several new people. Contrary to what some people think, it never stops. Ever. You never reach that point where you “win.” There will always be some new challenge or setback that turns back the hands of progress and starts the clock all over again.
Here’s the thing. I enjoy food, on so many levels. I like to eat it, sure, but that’s not the only part. I enjoy making food. I enjoy making food that people like, and I enjoy making things that challenge me. It gives me so much pleasure to make beautiful food. Sure I could make more weight-friendly foods, but let’s be real. That’s like reading for homework versus reading for pleasure. You do it because you should, not because you want to, and all the fun is sucked right out of it. It’s not the same.
Here’s another thing. Losing weight requires a tremendous amount of focus and dedication for me. It pretty much consumes my life when I’m in the throes of it, because that’s the only way I can make it through. I have a large capacity for self-denial and I can work like a stevedore when I’m in the “zone.” But the amount of mental energy it takes is not maintainable.
Do I sound like a whiner yet? Ask me if I care.
On the flip side, I really do like being smaller. I like having the energy level working out gives me. I like having all of the cute clothes and the comments I get from friends. Yes, I am an attention whore. I like not worrying if my ass is going to fit in the airline seat, or if it’s time to buy larger-sized jeans. I like not being afraid to have my picture taken, or not wondering what people are thinking about my fatitude.
Life is easier when you’re thinner, but it’s by no means easy getting or staying there. I don’t know how to put into words the frustration I feel when people think that once you’ve lost the weight that you’re all done. Like you ran the race, you got the prize, you’re all finished and you never have to think about it again. It doesn’t work that way. It just doesn’t. I’m sorry, but no.
Does that make me a failure? A loser who can’t get it right? I don’t think so and you can fuck right off if you do, because if that’s how you think then you’ve never really fought this fight*.
In order for me to do this again, and to make it stick, I have to completely change who I am. I have to give up baking and cakery and the search for the perfect macaroni and cheese recipe. I have to accept that things I consider simple pleasures or the things I do to relax will no longer be a part of my life. Ever. No, really – ever. Because I don’t know how to have my cake and not eat it.
And that’s where I’m stuck. I don’t know if I’m willing to do that. I don’t even know if I have it in me for one more balls-out go ’round with this.
I hope that sometime soon I can strike a balance that lives somewhere in the middle because right now it seems very far out of reach. All I know is that I can’t do OCD weight loss nazi again, I just can’t. I also don’t know if I can continue on my current path. I’m leaning toward no.
I’m not sure what the outcome of these mental gymnastics will be, but maybe some day I’ll find a solution I can live with.
I considered closing comments for this because I don’t want the “we love you the way you are” comments. I am not fishing. But I’m not a closed comments kind of girl. I’m also not doing a bunch of editing here because I’m just going to let my freak flag fly on this one.
*Yeah, anger much?
Wow, you and I are a lot alike in this. I’m not striving to be super thin because I think getting there might make me miserable indeed. However, I think it is all about the middle ground. Finding a weight where you are comfortable with how you look and how you feel that is also easy to maintain.
It’s just never easy, is it?
Hilly´s last blog post..Blaze It In The Morning & Wear It Like An Iron Skin…
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February 11th, 2009 at 8:40 am
@Hilly,
No, it never is. It’s especially hard to find that nebulous middle ground. I’m not even sure where to begin looking!
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February 11th, 2009 at 9:03 am
You know what I discovered is that there were just as many things to compliment as there were to put down about myself (physically) whether I was thin or fat. Once upon a time, my biggest motivation for getting skinny was to just get people to leave me the hell alone. I really thought that this would help, and I was completely blown away to find that people still found just as many things about my physical appearance to criticize. Nothing was ever enough, and it took the wind out of me. I mean, why the hell give up chocolate if they’re just going to find something else to bitch about?
That middle ground you’re looking for? That search never ends either. I found a plan that worked for a long time, it was simple, healthy, easy to follow, and one day a week I got to eat whatever I wanted, so nothing was off limits. I got very very thin and healthy on this, and it’s a great plan. But I got bored. So it worked for 2 years and then between being bored and disheartened by everyone (including myself)I moved on. And then I gained back a bit in my wanderings, tried to go back to what was working thinking it was better than this (with extra weight to boot), but in the end I’ve found it’s not so easy.
To me, that plan that worked where I COULD have my cake and eat it too should have been the fabulously wonderful middle ground. I think middle-ground is a myth, where the unicorns live… doesn’t mean I don’t want my own unicorn, still.
Kyra´s last blog post..Focus
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February 11th, 2009 at 10:35 am
@Kyra,
I think you’ve hit it in the head – the middle ground is a myth. Our lives are constantly shifting and changing, so what was once a happy medium is suddenly left of center. Finding a new middle is then harder because you’re frustrated by the seeming failure of the former one.
I still want a unicorn too!
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February 11th, 2009 at 11:01 am
The thing that kills me is the unsolicited advice that people who are thin give you…like, “you know, if you just (insert dumb-ass comment here), you would lose so much weight.” Oh, REALLY? Jesus! I never though about never eating sugar again as a weight loss strategy! I’m SOOO glad that you told me that eggs and mayonaisse and cheese and pasta are bad for me! I never would have known otherwise. And the other thing that kills me is the, “if you could just stick to it for 21 days, you would make it a habit for life.” Um, no, really, I couldn’t. I haven’t had a jar of mayo or refined white sugar in my house (other than for cooking stuff that I give away) for more than 5 years, and notice that the size has gone up and not down. So 21 days can kiss the fattest part of my ass!
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Buttercream Reply:
February 16th, 2009 at 8:41 pm
@Melinda,
Oh, the helpful people make me want to scream sometimes! I’m really, genuinely, happy for them that they have never had to deal with this like some of us. I wouldn’t wish this struggle on anyone! At the same time I wish they would just accept that people are different. Fat doesn’t equal stupid anymore than blond does.
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February 16th, 2009 at 4:27 pm