Things I Learned From My Dog

When you get a new dog there are things you know and things you think you know.  Then there are things you learn along the way.

• Don’t get a puppy in the winter.  You will end up standing in your yard holding a leash freezing your ass off.

Why are we standing in the yard with a leash?  Well partly because we’re dumbasses, partly because we’re easily grossed out.  I’ve mentioned our flock of turkeys, chickens, and ducks before.  Well the turkeys and chickens have pretty much free reign of the back yard and Sasha thought turkey poo was like nectar of the gods.  Yeah, she’s a sick puppy. (ha! punny)  We were disgustipated by the poo eating hound dog and started taking her out front to do her bidness, but we don’t have a full fence out front hence the leash.

• You will learn to hate the sound of sleigh bells.

We were having trouble with the potty training so our trainer told us to get a set of bells to hang on the door.  When she wants to go out she rings the bells.  It works like magic beans, but she also just likes to go outside to sniff around and bark at horses.  She rings those farging bells approximately 15 times in an hour, and since we’re still in the “reinforcing the training” stage we have to take her out every.  single.  time.

• You will say “NO!” “KITCHEN!” “GET DOWN!” “DROP IT!” more times than you can ever remember saying with your human child.

I feel like that’s all I do now.  My sole purpose for existence is to tell the puppy what she’s doing wrong.  Over. And. Over. And. Over.

• If you’re aged like me and have somewhat forgotten what the terrible two’s are like, just get a puppy.  It doesn’t take anywhere near two years for you to be reminded with stunning clarity.

They say puppies hit the “adolescent” stage between like five and seven months.  Sasha has definitely hit adolescence.  So now I have two teenagers at home and neither one wants to hear what I have to say.

• There are more toys spread around my house than when the boy was small.  At least puppies don’t play with evil death legos.  Her toys just squeak when I step on them in the middle of the night.

So far we have managed to save our furniture and other belongings by buying every single puppy toy known to man and by never leaving her unattended for longer than a minute.  Now that she’s lost all, or most anyway, of her puppy teeth she’s not chewing as much on everything in sight.  The never leaving her unattended has created another problem:

• Sad, lonely beagle puppies can make a noise that sounds like the banshees rising from the dead.

My ever-helpful sister told me “beagles are bayers, you know.”  Thank you, Captain Obvious!  It’s not like I haven’t been around beagles before.  I’ve heard the kinds of unearthly noises they make before so it’s not exactly a surprise.  It does make you think about tasers and their various uses, though.*

• It is my luck to get a high-maintenance dog.

We’re currently testing approximately 847 different foods because Princess Poopypants has issues.  Just like her mom.  Fuck.

*relax, no beagles were tasered in the making of this entry.