How do you make friends? What do you do when you meet new people? Do you give them the benefit of the doubt right off or do you wait and scope out the lay of the land? And then later when something goes wrong, do you cut it off immediately or do you give a second chance? If you have decided that someone is maybe not friend material right now do you give them another chance later or do you decide that ship has sailed and that’s the end of that?
I ask this because it’s been on my mind lately.
I am a cautious at first person. Rarely will I jump right into a friendship with someone I’ve just met, or even someone I’ve known for a while. I’m pretty shy, especially in social settings. I’m the person at the party that sits off to the side and watches everyone, figuring out who’s who and what they’re like, until I get to know them. I don’t approach people and strike up a casual conversation, but I’m not shy enough that I will turn down a conversation someone strikes up with me. Once we get into the conversational groove I’m ok, but reaching out is very hard for me.
As far as the second part of my question goes, I am the eternal optimist. Sometimes that bites me on the ass, but there are times when it works out and those times are worth a little flesh wound.
I knew a girl a few years ago who had a great personality. She was kind and funny and her life was a total train wreck. She was constantly asking everyone around her for help and we all gave it because she was so nice. I even ended up giving her a car because after a couple of payments she never paid me the balance. It may have been the ultimate con, but I never felt bad about it because she was so nice and her need was genuine. That doesn’t mean we’re still friends – I have my limits – but I don’t have regrets.
I know another girl. She’s prickly and a little odd and her life has also been a train wreck. We’ve had words on more than occasion but I didn’t give up on her and now I really like her. She’s funny and smart and still odd and we get along great. Had I written her off after our uncomfortable altercations I wouldn’t have her as a friend now.
There have been times in my life where I’ve had drama of my own and couldn’t be a good friend to anyone. That doesn’t mean I completely blew everyone off, but I couldn’t devote the energy to them that I would have liked. Those who were my true friends stuck by me, even though they didn’t know why I was being distant. See, when I’m going through sucktimes I generally don’t talk about it so people don’t know why I’ve withdrawn. They didn’t care. They waited for me to work my shit out and were still there for me.
There were also those who wrote me off. We’re still acquaintances, but they are distant and no matter what I’ve tried we will most likely never be friends again. Because this is where I draw the line. If you are the kind of person to write me off because I am not as available as you would like due to my own drama, then I don’t think you’re the lasting friendship kind and we’re all done.
The friends I have can count on me through thick and thin. Even if I’m in the middle of the suck myself I will make time if I need to. You just have to let me know. I’m not psychic and I don’t want to be. If you wrote me off because you think I should have been there for you, but you didn’t tell me you needed me to be, then that’s all on you baby.
I have become more conscious about trying to be a good friend as I’ve gotten older and other relationships in my life have changed. So I’m curious about how other people go about making and maintaining friendships. Are you an all or nothing person? Do you make allowances for people when it’s someone you don’t know well? Because I think it’s harder when it’s someone you don’t know. Most of us are pretty good at giving long-term friends the leeway they need but are quicker to cut someone we just met. The thing is, when you give up you could be passing over a great friend who maybe needs your friendship more right then than you can imagine.
I’m usually way more accepting than I should be. Because I have numerous *issues* myself, I tend to be overly tolerant of the behavior of others. Longtime friends have to do something really, really awful for me to cut them loose. And I hope for the same in return, because I do have my moments of total assness!
New friends I am more cautious with, but they still get multiple chances to screw up. And even when I get fed up with someone’s behavior and dump them, I don’t have a problem resuming the friendship later on if things improve.
SJ´s last blog post..I can see clearly now
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November 16th, 2008 at 10:58 pm
I’m the type of person that immediately likes or dislikes someone. I used to wonder if this was fair or not until I tested myself by giving everyone the benefit of the doubt. Yah, I still ended up disliking the people I would have in the first place so I now go with my instinct. Therefore, I also pretty much let everyone in with the assumption that they are not going to hurt me. This is kind of easy for me though because I generally know when people are full of crap…blah blah.
I tend to ignore ignore ignore for way too long and then one day I snap. I mean, seriously snap…as in, don’t email me or talk to me or anything else. I tend to figure that by the time I have snapped, I have good reason. Whether a friendship ends or just goes on break depends on my closeness with the person and whether or not things can be different in the future.
So yah, that’s me…glaring imperfections and all.
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November 17th, 2008 at 8:22 pm
Our family works on the Banking Model. Behold:
1.) Opening Deposit. Like your initial balance in a checking account. Some folks come with the big first impression and some don’t. It’s okay. Some people are real, some are bullshit, but nobody’s got a 100% perfect track record so take the first deposit as it is.
2.) Withdrawals. Chalk this up to drama, one-sided contribution, indifference, and differences in life-direction. All of these things subtract from the account balance. People that bring too much of any of these things wind up with a closed account for lack of sufficient funds.
3.) Deposits. Consider grace, kindness to your family, common interests and beliefs, generosity, concern, and overall investment. All of these things add up to a positive feeling from the McCs (that is the global group that is made up of our famly, friends, and honorary family).
4.) Interest. Time matters. Steady small deposits over time add up to a great friendship. One-time large withdrawls can be overcome with little paybacks. Does that make sense? You can call it scales, tit-for-tat, or whatever, but that’s how we play.
It sounds like accounting but really it’s fast and dirty play as we go. Think of the friend and reach in your (bank) pocket. You’ll know how you feel right away. Linty? Hard Cash? Loose Change? You know what’s up. We try and get along, give the benefit of the doubt, but when you feel taken advantage of there is nothing that can offset that feeling but investment by the other team.
We’re also kind of lunar. We wax. We wane. We have better interest rates from time to time and I am a sucker for praise. That’s all I have to say about that.
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November 17th, 2008 at 9:42 pm